Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
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You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
He died doing what he loved: being alive
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together