Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
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her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
did it work
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it