Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
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“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”