I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
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4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
They did not think through this water fountain
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.