@rachelle_mandik

do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?

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@ObscureGent

The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.

@ewfeez

LIFE HACK: A pancake makes a great and edible mouse pad.

@pleatedjeans

*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*

@TheRealNickKay

[MURDER TRIAL]

JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?

MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.

@Laser_Cat

If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.

@Home_Halfway

“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer

@SandwichGhoul

ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?

HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it

@noog

My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.