Fun game: Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours.
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
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Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.