Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
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Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.