MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
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[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no
[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
Priest: Dying people are drawn toward a bright light. Do you know what that proves?
Me: Dying people are moths?
My wife ordered a pizza from Papa John’s but I saved a step by throwing up before it got here.
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
No beer or Snacks?!? WORST. PARTY. EVER.
Family: uh…this is an Intervention
Me: LAME, look, Grandmas so bored she’s crying
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Me: How was the party last night?
17: It was fun. The cops came.
17: Nah, it’s cool. We got away.
Me: That’s my girl.
2007: OBAMA’S COMIN’ FER YER GUNS
2010: any day
2012: ok now
2013: i think..