Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?

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My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.

My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.


this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great


Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.



Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.


Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.

15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.

Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!

15: Uhhh…what?

Me: Never mind.


Wife: I’ll just have a salad.

Waiter: and for you, sir?

Me: I’ll be giving her half of my food.


Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.


Omg someone broke into my professor’s house & stole his laptop so my class today has been cancelled. I gotta find this person & thank him.


*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”


If you also bump into furniture and apologize to it, you can be in our secret society.