Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?

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MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig

BAND: Thank God! Finally!

MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster


[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no

[i make a pun]


Priest: Dying people are drawn toward a bright light. Do you know what that proves?

Me: Dying people are moths?


My wife ordered a pizza from Papa John’s but I saved a step by throwing up before it got here.


The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.


No beer or Snacks?!? WORST. PARTY. EVER.

Family: uh…this is an Intervention

Me: LAME, look, Grandmas so bored she’s crying


*Food hits floor*

Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”

King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”


[during sex]

Him: punish me, baby

me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*

Him: wait, stop

me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you

Him: *dies*


Me: How was the party last night?

17: It was fun. The cops came.

Me: What???

17: Nah, it’s cool. We got away.

Me: That’s my girl.


2008: comin’
2009: almost
2010: any day
2011: seriously
2012: ok now
2013: i think..
2014: nope
2015: well