@TheBigBatman

Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?

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@HomeProbably

My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.

My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.

@GrantTanaka

this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great

@DurtMcHurtt

Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.

@beefman138

Maternity.

Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.

@momsense_ensues

Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.

15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.

Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!

15: Uhhh…what?

Me: Never mind.

@TheMichaelRock

Wife: I’ll just have a salad.

Waiter: and for you, sir?

Me: I’ll be giving her half of my food.

@Darlainky

Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.

@aecide

Omg someone broke into my professor’s house & stole his laptop so my class today has been cancelled. I gotta find this person & thank him.

@internetluke

*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”

@theregoesrichie

If you also bump into furniture and apologize to it, you can be in our secret society.