Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
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“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”