“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
You Might Also Like
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.