“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
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the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear