@mommajessiec
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
@SaltyCorpse
Do you ever go back and read your old tweets and wonder, “My God… What was I on and do I have any left?”?
You Might Also Like
@mommajessiec
@JohnLyonTweets
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
@LittleMissAngr1
[Showing my friend my poem]
Friend: Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, 5 syllables
Me: Haiku is two syllables
@daemonic3
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
@junejuly12
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
@UncleDuke1969
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
@iamspacegirl
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
@CulturedRuffian
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
@Douchekevin
Sometimes I like to send out texts to random numbers saying “My period is late”.
@Sassafrantz
Just farted in 3 different languages! Thanks, Rosetta Stone!