The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
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Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
when you are just born a rebel
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job