@SaltyCorpse

Do you ever go back and read your old tweets and wonder, “My God… What was I on and do I have any left?”?

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@ch000ch

I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*

@RidiculousDak

Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign

Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes

@Mom_Overboard

[during sex]

Him: punish me, baby

me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*

Him: wait, stop

me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you

Him: *dies*

@schumoo

Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.

Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.

@JerpsBerps

*bird watching*

Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”

Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”

*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*

@hoopnazi

getting real tired of hearing opinions on murder from people outside the murderer community

@juliussharpe

The Super Bowl is a great opportunity to let 200 million people know your ad agency sucks.

@prodigal_bran

Vin Diesel has been making music for years… he just called himself Pitbull.

@MarieLoerzel

Some people look sexy when they sweat, but I look like I have malaria.

@mybigblondelife

If they just built prisons out of the shit they package electronics in, no one would ever escape.