Do you ever go back and read your old tweets and wonder, “My God… What was I on and do I have any left?”?

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10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!

Me: Okay, Okay!

*steps on lego*

*stubs toe on fallen over chair*

*falls over laundry basket*

*slip-and-slides across spilt water*

*arrives at 10yo*

10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.


Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.


[Showing my friend my poem]

Friend: Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, 5 syllables

Me: Haiku is two syllables


They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million

How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?


My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.


just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete


Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?


Sometimes I like to send out texts to random numbers saying “My period is late”.


Just farted in 3 different languages! Thanks, Rosetta Stone!