Do you ever go back and read your old tweets and wonder, “My God… What was I on and do I have any left?”?

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I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*


Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign

Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes


[during sex]

Him: punish me, baby

me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*

Him: wait, stop

me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you

Him: *dies*


Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.

Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.


*bird watching*

Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”

Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”

*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*


getting real tired of hearing opinions on murder from people outside the murderer community


The Super Bowl is a great opportunity to let 200 million people know your ad agency sucks.


Vin Diesel has been making music for years… he just called himself Pitbull.


Some people look sexy when they sweat, but I look like I have malaria.


If they just built prisons out of the shit they package electronics in, no one would ever escape.