@SaltyCorpse

Do you ever go back and read your old tweets and wonder, “My God… What was I on and do I have any left?”?

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@mommajessiec

10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!

Me: Okay, Okay!

*steps on lego*

*stubs toe on fallen over chair*

*falls over laundry basket*

*slip-and-slides across spilt water*

*arrives at 10yo*

10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.

@JohnLyonTweets

Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.

@LittleMissAngr1

[Showing my friend my poem]

Friend: Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, 5 syllables

Me: Haiku is two syllables

@daemonic3

They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million

How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?

@junejuly12

My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.

@iamspacegirl

just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete

@CulturedRuffian

Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?

@Douchekevin

Sometimes I like to send out texts to random numbers saying “My period is late”.

@Sassafrantz

Just farted in 3 different languages! Thanks, Rosetta Stone!