Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
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*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is