@youcancallmesim

Do you ever just look at a girl and instantly know she posts her daily horoscope on Facebook and quotes Marilyn Monroe?

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@Sanbel11

I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.

It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.

@keelyflaherty

8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER

@david8hughes

[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”

@mrtruthandsoul

If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.

@lisaxy424

Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion

Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer

@broodingYAhero

Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.

@EugeneMirman

Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.

@Buffalojilll

Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend

Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either