People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
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Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
Tell me you get it…🤣
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along