Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
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Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
When your best mate counts as a desk too
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*