ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
ME: well said, kitty, well said
FRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
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There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Hulu: still there?
Phone: ring ring
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
Why is everything so sticky?