@bartandsoul

Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?

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@iliezabeth

CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well said

FRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?

@John_Quaintance

There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.

@LizHackett

Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.

@Dawn_M_

Of course you can trust me with your secret.

*Calls local news team

@MNateShyamalan

merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king

arthur: oh, this sword?

merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?

arthur: table

merlin: what?

arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle

@linkindrinkin

Netflix: are you still watching?

Me: yes

Hulu: still there?

Me: yes

Phone: ring ring

Me: no

@GibJimson

Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.

Then eat it in front of them.