@bartandsoul

Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?

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@nealbrennan

People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”

@JimViscardi

The first Transformer that comes to Earth will look like a Tesla.

@NATxHAN

Me: Santa, why are women so scary?

Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.

@English_Channel

twitter: Canadians are so nice

Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap

@PaperWash

Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel

@robin_991

the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.

@VisionBored1

My son announced to his entire class that the bank keeps calling Daddy every day to talk about money.

We’re renewing our mortgage.