Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?

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CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well said

FRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?


There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.


Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.


Of course you can trust me with your secret.

*Calls local news team


merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king

arthur: oh, this sword?

merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?

arthur: table

merlin: what?

arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle


Netflix: are you still watching?

Me: yes

Hulu: still there?

Me: yes

Phone: ring ring

Me: no


Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.

Then eat it in front of them.