People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
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The first Transformer that comes to Earth will look like a Tesla.
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
When I said I liked you..I never meant every day.
Looking forward to Monday?
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
Me: Alexa am I drunk?
Roll of paper towels:
My son announced to his entire class that the bank keeps calling Daddy every day to talk about money.
We’re renewing our mortgage.