Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
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This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
God, I love Scotland
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
finally
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014