Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
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Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
Cinematography is my passion
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.