*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
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Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
In banana years, I am bread.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable