@sock_holliday

Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”

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@Tachyon100

A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.

@GoodZiIIa

me: so what do you do?

date: I work with animals

me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun

@ShellHasDragons

If anyone wants to know why parents dont sleep, it’s the foot in your nose at 00:39

@pauleggleston

I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.

I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.

@badbanana

Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.

@toastymoe

It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now

@AJemaineClement

Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.

@sirmunchie

Me: I’ll write u a haiku!

Her: I’m just impressed u know how to spell haiku.

Me: *deletes “how to spell high-koo” from browser history*

@briangaar

“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM

@LeaMehanna

Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine