one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
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Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
#Caturday
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.