Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
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Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
Brother?
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.