@ChrisStokdyk: Do you ever wake up, look yourself in the mirror and say, "My God, I look like a pillow" ? If so, that's not a mirror - it's your pillow.
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@nigelgodwin: My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
@Mr_Kapowski: Guarantees in life 1. Death 2. A waitress will ask how everything is while your mouth is full but never be around when you need a refill
@GloriaFallon123: My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today "what poison would kill someone the fastest?" and now I'm wondering if I've underestimated her.