@ChrisStokdyk

Do you ever wake up, look yourself in the mirror and say, “My God, I look like a pillow” ? If so, that’s not a mirror – it’s your pillow.

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@kelkulus

“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.

@FierceMess

Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.

@iAmDelFreaky

I was overcharged by a plumber!

So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.

Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.

@StayNobody

What can I get you to drink?
“Pepsi”
Is Peps- Uh one moment please
[In kitchen, to manager]
I don’t know, he just said Pepsi. What do I do?

@mamba_bad

I’ll be honest, it scares the crap out of me that you guys will be homeschooling your kids.

@Dustinkcouch

fantasy novel: she was beautiful, like a-

me: oh man here we go

fantasy novel: tray of fish sticks

me: excuse me

@shopkins776

I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”

@sah_nursemom

Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.

@HeyZeus666

The sign said ‘Free Range Chickens’. So, I took some.