Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
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These work great until they don’t.
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often