Do you ever wake up, look yourself in the mirror and say, “My God, I look like a pillow” ? If so, that’s not a mirror – it’s your pillow.

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“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.


Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.


I was overcharged by a plumber!

So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.

Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.


What can I get you to drink?
Is Peps- Uh one moment please
[In kitchen, to manager]
I don’t know, he just said Pepsi. What do I do?


I’ll be honest, it scares the crap out of me that you guys will be homeschooling your kids.


fantasy novel: she was beautiful, like a-

me: oh man here we go

fantasy novel: tray of fish sticks

me: excuse me


I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”


Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.


The sign said ‘Free Range Chickens’. So, I took some.