Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”

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[Looking at the vast night sky]

Her: What do you think about other life forms?

Him: Well *thoughtfully rubs chin* wallabies are shit


Just overheard the gentleman in the next stall whisper “get out of me” and then start to cry. God I hate the Olive Garden.


Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?


For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair


There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.


Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron


Me: *buys item from online retailer*

Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW


When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.