Doc: I’m afraid you got 6 months to live
Me: Why are YOU afraid?
Doc: I’m not
Me: You said you were
Doc: I lied. You got a month. HAPPY NOW?
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
You Might Also Like
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
LUCY: Dad, how did I get my name?
ME (signing contract in blood): Ok but can we at least shorten it?
LUCIFER: That’s fine
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back