I’m single by choice…of others.
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
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A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
-So how can we help you today Mr Benson?
“Please. Mr Benson was my father.”
-Alright. So how can we help you today Mr Bensonson?
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.