@SomthinBoutSara

Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”

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@chuuew

A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.

It was an unexpected LAN slide.

@GoodZiIIa

me: so what do you do?

date: I work with animals

me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun

@Shen_the_Bird

[first day as a doctor]

patient: how bad is it

me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope

@XplodingUnicorn

Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?

Me: I got the dirt off.

Wife: What does that mean?

Me: *hides the leaf blower*

@AbbieEvansXO

*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*

[2 seconds later]

Shit I need a paper clip

@GreyDeLisle

“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob

@RandomManik

-So how can we help you today Mr Benson?

“Please. Mr Benson was my father.”

-Alright. So how can we help you today Mr Bensonson?