@SomthinBoutSara

Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”

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@MarfSalvador

[Looking at the vast night sky]

Her: What do you think about other life forms?

Him: Well *thoughtfully rubs chin* wallabies are shit

@ManJuggs

Just overheard the gentleman in the next stall whisper “get out of me” and then start to cry. God I hate the Olive Garden.

@CleoZevach3000

Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?

@fanofhell

For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair

@Laser_Cat

There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.

@jwomackou

Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron

@Ygrene

Me: *buys item from online retailer*

Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW

@bigmacher

When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.