Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
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sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”