“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
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It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit