do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
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To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
Netflix: We have Less
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.