once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
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Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
When he asks for feet pics
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.