5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
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My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
Spell check is for lasers.
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.