DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
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Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
forgive me baja for i have blast
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it