*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
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….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.