do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
You Might Also Like
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back