do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
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I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
Quadruple digit IQ
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500