“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
Do you guys remember 10 years ago, when all the people with gluten allergies were dying in the streets like diseased cattle?
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Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
TI: no I’m TI
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
Hey boy, are you an astronaut? Cause you’re invading my space
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.