@gentilecoont

Do you guys remember 10 years ago, when all the people with gluten allergies were dying in the streets like diseased cattle?

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@TheBoydP

“Go ahead caller”

Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…

@BlindChow

[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*

@badboychadhoy

[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]

doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI

TI’s daughter: a what

doctor: UTI

TI: no I’m TI

@CulturedRuffian

‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.

@NikkiGlaser

Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.

@dfaber84

I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.

– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house

@QwertyJones3

Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.

@tastefactory

HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still

@DothTheDoth

Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.