Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
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“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.