I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
You Might Also Like
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
lot going on here, legally speaking.
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
Guantanamo Bae
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.