Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!

~Me. Speed dating.

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Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.


6: Can I have a baby sister?

Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.

6: Then can I have a turtle?


You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.


Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.


Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.


SON: How are monster trucks made?

ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-

GF: [glares]

ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane


We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids


Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond


When a pterodactyl urinates, no one hears it. (silent P)


DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.