Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
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wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.