do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
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I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
Tell me you get it…🤣
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato