Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
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I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol