Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
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Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.