Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
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Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
everyone’s a critic
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?