Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
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MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.