@Carbosly

Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.


Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.

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@colingotjokes

I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what

@RoosterMustache

ME: look a possum

HER: actually it’s spelled opossum

ME: you don’t no how I spelled it, we’re talking

HER: actually it’s spelled know

@OneFunnyMummy

All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.

-lies parents tell themselves

@anerdonfire2

If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.

@celticrose2312

I bought shampoo for “badly behaved” hair. So relieved my hair will finally stop robbing banks and terrorising old ladies.

@ShortSleeveSuit

HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda bc she’s pregnant with child

Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*

@mattZillaaaa

[on a 1st date]

Me: I’m just looking to take things slow

Her: *in a wedding dress* me too

@MomofTeen

Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.

@TweetsByTheTony

Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra

@TheToddWilliams

PIGEON KID: I need to go bad

PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue