Do you have FB?
Do you have Twitter?
What do you have?
A life.

Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.

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I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what


ME: look a possum

HER: actually it’s spelled opossum

ME: you don’t no how I spelled it, we’re talking

HER: actually it’s spelled know


All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.

-lies parents tell themselves


If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.


I bought shampoo for “badly behaved” hair. So relieved my hair will finally stop robbing banks and terrorising old ladies.


HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda bc she’s pregnant with child

Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*


[on a 1st date]

Me: I’m just looking to take things slow

Her: *in a wedding dress* me too


Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.


Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra


PIGEON KID: I need to go bad

PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue