– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?


– Do you want some?

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Freddy Krueger: (enters my dream) what the hell?

me: close the door you’ll let out the hippopotamus!


To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you


There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.


*takes call from mom*

*puts mom on speaker*

*cleans entire house*


One time I called my teacher “mom” and she looked so confused and said “I’m not your mom.” It made the rest of homeschooling really awkward.


Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, & acceptance: the five stages of watching them put lettuce on your sandwich at Subway.


Yesterday I extinguished a colleague’s cigarette at the office with a water pistol.

Adds firefighter to resume


[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them


Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it