– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
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her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh