@Not_From_Troy

– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?

-No.

– Do you want some?

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@OrdinaryAlso

Freddy Krueger: (enters my dream) what the hell?

me: close the door you’ll let out the hippopotamus!

@RachelMComedy

To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you

@leftarmisme

There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.

@jkstills

*takes call from mom*

*puts mom on speaker*

*cleans entire house*

@DustinAHarkins

One time I called my teacher “mom” and she looked so confused and said “I’m not your mom.” It made the rest of homeschooling really awkward.

@ozzyunc

Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, & acceptance: the five stages of watching them put lettuce on your sandwich at Subway.

@TheSchnizzy

Yesterday I extinguished a colleague’s cigarette at the office with a water pistol.

Adds firefighter to resume

@Amusitr0n

[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them

@13Tink5

Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it