You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
– Do you want some?
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Freddy Krueger: (enters my dream) what the hell?
me: close the door you’ll let out the hippopotamus!
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
*takes call from mom*
*puts mom on speaker*
*cleans entire house*
One time I called my teacher “mom” and she looked so confused and said “I’m not your mom.” It made the rest of homeschooling really awkward.
Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, & acceptance: the five stages of watching them put lettuce on your sandwich at Subway.
Yesterday I extinguished a colleague’s cigarette at the office with a water pistol.
Adds firefighter to resume
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it