Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
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*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
me and who
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.