If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
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I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!