Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
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i will not be silenced
Candles never taste the way they smell
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
#parenting
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.