Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
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Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.