“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
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(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.