Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
You Might Also Like
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭