“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
You Might Also Like
Oh my God.
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.