Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
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My toddler hid the tv remote before she went to bed so now I have a fun night ahead of getting drunk and watching Disney Junior
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.