Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
You Might Also Like
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.