Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
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Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever